Short Story

Icy_Hatake

Icy_Hatake

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A few years ago, back in the old days, we had gone to a museum for a school trip. I was excited, you even more so. The smile on your face was such a pretty sight to see. I hardly saw you smile anymore.

During our time in the museum, I stayed by you. I was watching you more than whatever you happened to be looking at. Your eyes held a kind of sparkle I found intriguing, I couldn’t quite look away from it. Eventually, you lead us to the gift shop. I finally took notice and looked around. My eyes landed on rock candy, I had never had it. Sadly I didn’t have money to buy the candy. You took notice of this, and being the gentleman you were, offered to buy it for me. After buying the candy, and a few other things you had gotten, I lead you outside.

It was a beautiful day that day. I had brought you outside, noticing a beach nearby. I asked you if you’d go walk with me, and you agreed almost happily. That was my first time walking on a beach. I was happy it was with you, of all people. While walking, I took out the candy, and offered you one of the two. You accepted it, and we kept walking along the beach, eating the candy.

I would catch myself taking in your features. You looked lovely that day. Honesty, you looked lovely everyday. A loud shouting from over by the museum snapped my attention from you. It was our teacher, yelling at us to come back for it was time to leave. Walking back, you had a soft smile on your face. I’ve never seen such a smile on your face before.

I found myself thinking about it on the way home, days after the trip as well. Sadly, that would be last time I would ever see you smile. It would be the last time I would ever see you again. Oh, how I wish I could go back to then, where everything was perfect with me and you. I miss you, I miss your smiles. I wonder where you are now. Do you think about this time as much as I do? Do I even cross your mind anymore? These questions will never be answered. I just hope you’re well, walking with a smile on your face, like the last one I saw.



Ah that’s my first story I’ve posted here... I’d appreciate some feedback if you would be kind enough to. Should I maybe post more?
 
Last edited:
CinderPuppyEyes said:
@Verified Fangirl

Personally, I quite enjoyed. I read it around three times xd I didn't quite understand the ending though..?
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Ah no you tagged the best writer here imo xd

Ah well, we had left the museum from the teacher yelling it was time to go. And it was sorta a time skip and I kept thinking if his smile. Never saw him again after that... ah does that kinda clear it up? xD
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Icy_Hatake said:
Ah no you tagged the best writer here imo xd

Ah well, we had left the museum from the teacher yelling it was time to go. And it was sorta a time skip and I kept thinking if his smile. Never saw him again after that... ah does that kinda clear it up? xD
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She'll give you some good constructive criticism.

If there's a time skip in any story, you must create a new paragraph for it to signal that there was a time skip. It helps with the confusion with the reader. The first rule of writing is to remember who you're writing for. if you write for yourself, sometimes you miss things because you have the plot in your head
View reply.
 
CinderPuppyEyes said:
She'll give you some good constructive criticism.

If there's a time skip in any story, you must create a new paragraph for it to signal that there was a time skip. It helps with the confusion with the reader. The first rule of writing is to remember who you're writing for. if you write for yourself, sometimes you miss things because you have the plot in your head
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Ah alright. I’ll remember that
And I’ll edit it lmao
View reply.
 
CinderPuppyEyes said:
She'll give you some good constructive criticism.

If there's a time skip in any story, you must create a new paragraph for it to signal that there was a time skip. It helps with the confusion with the reader. The first rule of writing is to remember who you're writing for. if you write for yourself, sometimes you miss things because you have the plot in your head
Click to expand...
She doesn’t xD she’s too shy
View reply.
 
Icy_Hatake said:
A few years ago, back in the old days, we had gone to a museum for a school trip. I was excited, and you even more so. The smile on your face was such a pretty sight to see. I hardly saw you smile anymore.

During our time in the museum, I stayed by you. I was watching you more than whatever you happened to be looking at. Your eyes held a kind of sparkle I found intriguing; I couldn’t quite look away from it. Eventually, you lead us to the gift shop. I finally took notice and looked around. My eyes landed on a rocky-looking candy which I had never had it. Sadly I didn’t have money to buy the candy. You took notice of this, and being the gentleman you were, offered to buy it for me. After you bought buying the candy, and a few other things you had gotten, I lead you outside.

It was a beautiful day that day. The reason I had brought you outside was because I had noticing noticed a beach nearby. I asked you if you’d like to go walk with me, and you agreed almost happily. That was my first time walking on a beach. I was happy it was with you, of all people. While walking, I took out the candy, and offered you one of the two. You accepted it, and we kept continued walking along the beach while eating the candy.

I would catch myself taking in your features. You looked lovely that day. Honesty, you looked lovely everyday. A loud shouting from over by the museum snapped my attention from you. It was our teacher, yelling at us to come back for it was time to leave. Walking back, you had a soft smile on your face. I’ve never seen such a smile on your face before.

I found myself thinking about it on the way home, days after the trip as well. Sadly, that would be last time I would ever see you smile. It would be the last time I would ever see you again. Oh, how I wish I could go back to then, where everything was perfect with me and you. I miss you, and I miss your smiles. I wonder where you are now. Do you think about this time as much as I do? Do I ever even cross your mind anymore? These questions will never be answered. I just hope you’re well, walking with a smile on your face, just like the last one I saw.



Ah that’s my first story I’ve posted here... I’d appreciate some feedback if you would be kind enough to. Should I maybe post more?
Click to expand...
I edited it a bit in the quote ^. The things I added/changed are in bold. The things I would remove have a line across them (like this).

Considering this was your very first story you’ve posted here, I don’t know if you’ve written any others, but this is really good! :D There were a few comma splices and sentences that you didn’t word correctly but that’s ok, you can improve ^^.

Somethings I did like was the plot, and the overall story. It gives off a feeling of nostalgia, which is nice and pretty important, especially for this type of story. You didn’t over specify any details, nor did you leave out anything important, which is good. (Tbh, I describe things wayy too much XD) Your grammar was also almost spot on which is fantastic, too! :D

I loved your story, and I hope you post more, cause I would like to see what else you’re capable of. Good job! :p

I really need to start giving contructive criticism more seriously like this lmao
View reply.
 
Verified Fangirl said:
I edited it a bit in the quote ^. The things I added/changed are in bold. The things I would remove have a line across them (like this).

Considering this was your very first story you’ve posted here, I don’t know if you’ve written any others, but this is really good! :D There were a few comma splices and sentences that you didn’t word correctly but that’s ok, you can improve ^^.

Somethings I did like was the plot, and the overall story. It gives off a feeling of nostalgia, which is nice and pretty important, especially for this type of story. You didn’t over specify any details, nor did you leave out anything important, which is good. (Tbh, I describe things wayy too much XD) Your grammar was also almost spot on which is fantastic, too! :D

I loved your story, and I hope you post more, cause I would like to see what else you’re capable of. Good job! :p

I really need to start giving contructive criticism more seriously like this lmao
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Thank you Lauren ^^
Much appreciated :lmao:
View reply.
 
What’s ironic is I went on a school trip to the Museum, today. that’s all. I’ll leave it at that sentence lmao

A lovely short story to read. Hopefully, I’ll see more of your stories if you post any (pls do xD)
View reply.
 
Icy_Hatake said:
A few years ago, back in the old days, we had gone to a museum for a school trip. I was excited, you even more so. The smile on your face was such a pretty sight to see. I hardly saw you smile anymore.

During our time in the museum, I stayed by you. I was watching you more than whatever you happened to be looking at. Your eyes held a kind of sparkle I found intriguing, I couldn’t quite look away from it. Eventually, you lead us to the gift shop. I finally took notice and looked around. My eyes landed on rock candy, I had never had it. Sadly I didn’t have money to buy the candy. You took notice of this, and being the gentleman you were, offered to buy it for me. After buying the candy, and a few other things you had gotten, I lead you outside.

It was a beautiful day that day. I had brought you outside, noticing a beach nearby. I asked you if you’d go walk with me, and you agreed almost happily. That was my first time walking on a beach. I was happy it was with you, of all people. While walking, I took out the candy, and offered you one of the two. You accepted it, and we kept walking along the beach, eating the candy.

I would catch myself taking in your features. You looked lovely that day. Honesty, you looked lovely everyday. A loud shouting from over by the museum snapped my attention from you. It was our teacher, yelling at us to come back for it was time to leave. Walking back, you had a soft smile on your face. I’ve never seen such a smile on your face before.

I found myself thinking about it on the way home, days after the trip as well. Sadly, that would be last time I would ever see you smile. It would be the last time I would ever see you again. Oh, how I wish I could go back to then, where everything was perfect with me and you. I miss you, I miss your smiles. I wonder where you are now. Do you think about this time as much as I do? Do I even cross your mind anymore? These questions will never be answered. I just hope you’re well, walking with a smile on your face, like the last one I saw.



Ah that’s my first story I’ve posted here... I’d appreciate some feedback if you would be kind enough to. Should I maybe post more?
Click to expand...
Interesting story,tbh.
View reply.
 
i throughly liked this.

i think someone before me said that you need to change paragraphs during time changes, but i hardly looked at the comments. ._. it was nice, i wish there was more detail though. like more about the boy, the museum, how the teacher sounded when she yelled, idk xD but good job. :p
View reply.
 
starry said:
i throughly liked this.

i think someone before me said that you need to change paragraphs during time changes, but i hardly looked at the comments. ._. it was nice, i wish there was more detail though. like more about the boy, the museum, how the teacher sounded when she yelled, idk xD but good job. :p
Click to expand...
Hmm I’ll keep those in mind when I write again. Thanks ^^
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