Everyday people ask me if I'm okay and usually I give the generic answer of "I'm fine". I don't say that because I don't want to tell them, I say that because I know that if I do they won't understand or they'll say the generic answers everybody gives.
I don't know the exact reason of why I'm making this, although it's probably in the hopes that someone feels the same and I don't have to carry on feeling isolated and lonely.
What are good words to describe my days? Stressful? Panic? Dark? Numb? Maybe I'm being over dramatic but to me that is the definition of a day in the life of me. Imagine a dark shadow following you everywhere you go. Yeah, that's what it feels like.
jacksepticeye made a video a few years ago, it was a game made to give a somewhat accurate representation of what anxiety and panic attacks feel like. Even though there was a trigger warning at the start encouraging people with a mental illness to not watch/play the game I did anyways. I wanted to see if the game really gave you an idea of how scary anxiety can be. It did, so just as a suggestion, if you're mostly in the dark about this topic I recommend you watch this video:
I hate going to bed. Not because I hate sleep, hell, I could sleep for days. No, I don't like going to bed because I don't like being left with my dark thoughts and not very nice voice inside my head. My heart alone could power a whole goddamn city at the speed it beats at sometimes. Oh, and my hands and feet could probably be used as ice blocks because of how cold they get.
Death. I used to fear it, now I welcome it. Death is beautiful but ugly, scary but fascinating. I've always wanted to know how many people would care if I died, I usually come to the conclusion that my immediate family would but no one else. I'm not asking anyone to pipe up and say that they would care because this is the internet and no one really cares on the internet, right? Does this make me sound ungrateful? To be honest, what is there to be grateful for? Being given the chance to experience life? The opportunity to leave your mark on the earth?
oh.
The saddest part in all of this is that I'm only 13 and death sounds inviting.
I just wanted to thank the people who have listened to me complaining for hours and not getting bored.
@JamiePlayz2005 ,
I'm supposed to hate him after what he did, a lot of people want me to, but i dont sorry. He endlessly tries to make me feel better, and every time i attempt to push him away he doesn't give up.
I'd just like to say that you only got one side of the story, the "tea" side. I spent 3 days figuring this all out even though my heart was heavy and i felt so betrayed. I collected evidence from both sides, opinions, explanations. I gave him a second chance, you should too. Anyway, i love you, thank you.
@
ßlue,
I spent ages trying to find someone who understood, like, truly understood and yet I never realised that that person was right there in front of me. I will always be there for you just as you are for me.
@Pandeee ,
omg goddess u are my queen everything, i love you so much. Thank you for listening to my problems all the time. you make me smile.
@DarkRainbows ,
Thanks for putting time into writing all those long ♥♥♥ advice paragraphs, they have helped so much this past week. thank you thank you thank you.
@Ray_Palmer_Atom ,
btw i said hi on discord 4 days ago and u havent replied yet. just saying. I maybe havent directly poured my heart and soul out to you, but our weird conversations about really weird stuff cheers me up a lot, thank you.
I could have written these people messages separately somewhere else, but i would've forgotten, so..
also, i have probably forgotten people, if i have, im sorry and i love you.
I think ive finished rambling now, bye.
