My story (Part 1)

~Ang~

Notable Member
Joined
Jan 21, 2017
Messages
1,827
Reaction score
41,390
Damn this took a while XD



It’s a cold winter night. Snow swirls around us as we look down at four people running away from…something. The wind whirls through the trees as they try to escape; and small birds up above us make small tweeting noises, mocking the four small forms picking their way across a dense forest with snow dotting the ground.

We go closer to the four, and we see a girl with a blue cardigan, eyes to match, blonde hair, and a grey shirt. She is faster than the others, and she bursts ahead.

Looking back at her companions, she says “Hurry up! Do you want to get caught? I didn’t think so!” and keeps running. We think her name is Snow.

“We’re trying!” a girl who’s left eye was green, the other red yells, her straight brown-grey hair flying in front of her face. Her name is Ice; we know that for sure.

And now we get a clear glimpse of the two others, and the beast that is chasing them.

The beast appears blurred, but it’s eyes were as red as blood, and that very same substance dripped down its wolf-like snout. It has four legs, though we can’t see what they look like, as they are the most blurred part of it.

The two other people (one boy and one girl) try to catch up to Ice and Snow, but are struggling. One of them has brown hair and light grey eyes. He tries to shoot an arrow at the animal (if the thing could be called that. It really is too deformed to be called a proper animal), but it misses and sails beyond and buries itself into a tree. It is, or was, the last one he had. His name is Aus.

The last girl’s name is Galatic. She has purple-pink hair, and her left and right eyes are purple and blue, respectively.

A voice calls out- an icy voice that sounded like a human, but no human’s (as far as we know) heart is frozen enough to make that kind of sound- “Beast of the mighty kingdom of Therru. No longer seek these pathetic humans.” We catch a glimpse of a coldly beautiful woman, whose features has the essence of a frozen flower, and whose hair was a shade of light blue. Her eyes, however, were black and empty.

The beast halts, and speeds off in the opposite direction of the four. Perfect timing. We now see a glowing cabin in the middle of a clearing. All four smiled, grateful to be alive, and they made their way towards the door. Galatic knocks.

A girl with brown hair and orange eyes opens the door and tackle-hugs Galatic.

“You were gone for so long! Anything could have happened; we were so worried!” she says.

“Cut it, Strel!” a girl with bushy brown hair and dark brown eyes says, but she’s also smiling. “We really have missed you. What was the delay for, anyway?”

“We’ll tell you inside,” mumbles Aus, looking down and reliving the fear of being chased by that thing. Aus would never admit it, but he actually was afraid then.

They step inside, sitting down in front of a fireplace.

It really was a nice cabin. The floors and walls were made of spruce wood, a white carpet sat on the floor, and in the middle was a large table. Four other people sat around the table: A boy with grey eyes, brown hair, and a yellow jacket, a girl with a blue onesie and a brown bob, and a girl with one dark red eye, one light red eye, blonde hair, and fox ears. The girl with the brown bob stands up, and we realise inside we no longer can sense the names of the people- children, really.

The girl with bushy brown hair turns around, and a red and orange bow that we couldn’t see before adorns her hair.

“What is it, Alexa?” she asks.

“Nothing, Herm. It’s just….don’t you think it’s strange that-”

We hear no more, as the blonde girl with red eyes who hasn’t spoken yet looks directly at us, even though we can’t be seen. She snaps her coral-gloves fingers, and the world fades to black.
---------
I made a signup thread a long time ago ;-;

It's so bad i suck at writing ;-; @Ericthewriter judge meh ;-;
@GLX_AUS
@XxjwmcxX
@HermioneJG
@Strelitzia
@_Alexa_
@GalaticWolf858
someone help meh tag ;-;
 
Damn this took a while XD



It’s a cold winter night. Snow swirls around us as we look down at four people running away from…something. The wind whirls through the trees as they try to escape; and small birds up above us make small tweeting noises, mocking the four small forms picking their way across a dense forest with snow dotting the ground.

We go closer to the four, and we see a girl with a blue cardigan, eyes to match, blonde hair, and a grey shirt. She is faster than the others, and she bursts ahead.

Looking back at her companions, she says “Hurry up! Do you want to get caught? I didn’t think so!” and keeps running. We think her name is Snow.

“We’re trying!” a girl who’s left eye was green, the other red yells, her straight brown-grey hair flying in front of her face. Her name is Ice; we know that for sure.

And now we get a clear glimpse of the two others, and the beast that is chasing them.

The beast appears blurred, but it’s eyes were as red as blood, and that very same substance dripped down its wolf-like snout. It has four legs, though we can’t see what they look like, as they are the most blurred part of it.

The two other people (one boy and one girl) try to catch up to Ice and Snow, but are struggling. One of them has brown hair and light grey eyes. He tries to shoot an arrow at the animal (if the thing could be called that. It really is too deformed to be called a proper animal), but it misses and sails beyond and buries itself into a tree. It is, or was, the last one he had. His name is Aus.

The last girl’s name is Galatic. She has purple-pink hair, and her left and right eyes are purple and blue, respectively.

A voice calls out- an icy voice that sounded like a human, but no human’s (as far as we know) heart is frozen enough to make that kind of sound- “Beast of the mighty kingdom of Therru. No longer seek these pathetic humans.” We catch a glimpse of a coldly beautiful woman, whose features has the essence of a frozen flower, and whose hair was a shade of light blue. Her eyes, however, were black and empty.

The beast halts, and speeds off in the opposite direction of the four. Perfect timing. We now see a glowing cabin in the middle of a clearing. All four smiled, grateful to be alive, and they made their way towards the door. Galatic knocks.

A girl with brown hair and orange eyes opens the door and tackle-hugs Galatic.

“You were gone for so long! Anything could have happened; we were so worried!” she says.

“Cut it, Strel!” a girl with bushy brown hair and dark brown eyes says, but she’s also smiling. “We really have missed you. What was the delay for, anyway?”

“We’ll tell you inside,” mumbles Aus, looking down and reliving the fear of being chased by that thing. Aus would never admit it, but he actually was afraid then.

They step inside, sitting down in front of a fireplace.

It really was a nice cabin. The floors and walls were made of spruce wood, a white carpet sat on the floor, and in the middle was a large table. Four other people sat around the table: A boy with grey eyes, brown hair, and a yellow jacket, a girl with a blue onesie and a brown bob, and a girl with one dark red eye, one light red eye, blonde hair, and fox ears. The girl with the brown bob stands up, and we realise inside we no longer can sense the names of the people- children, really.

The girl with bushy brown hair turns around, and a red and orange bow that we couldn’t see before adorns her hair.

“What is it, Alexa?” she asks.

“Nothing, Herm. It’s just….don’t you think it’s strange that-”

We hear no more, as the blonde girl with red eyes who hasn’t spoken yet looks directly at us, even though we can’t be seen. She snaps her coral-gloves fingers, and the world fades to black.
---------
I made a signup thread a long time ago ;-;

It's so bad i suck at writing ;-; @Ericthewriter judge meh ;-;
@GLX_AUS
@XxjwmcxX
@HermioneJG
@Strelitzia
@_Alexa_
@GalaticWolf858
someone help meh tag ;-;
Well one let's see how my "judgement" is .3.

Hmmm..... I'll give it a 8/10, Hey not bad but I love it Ang ♥ even tho I wasn't in it I still live it Ang ;3

Here are some thing I love and some you should work on .3.

You used stuff like how you describe the person in perfect view! I like how you gave to the story characters! That what make the story pop out more to the readers. Almost no spelling error! You gave good detail and descriptions in the story. One last thing, I like how you paragraph the story! So ya what I like most is how you have good detail on in .3.

Has far has I love your story there might be one problem, You might want to give note excitement to the characters acts like: Ex: "Hey that my pie!" HermioneJG say while rushing to get the Delicious Pie. That the only thing so far you can work on which is give the characters acts more excitement! But other then that ,love it!

Hey I'm not the "best writer" but those were some tips .3. Also i like Icy acts xD keep it up Ang <3
View reply.
 
Well one let's see how my "judgement" is .3.

Hmmm..... I'll give it a 8/10, Hey not bad but I love it Ang ♥ even tho I wasn't in it I still live it Ang ;3

Here are some thing I love and some you should work on .3.

You used stuff like how you describe the person in perfect view! I like how you gave to the story characters! That what make the story pop out more to the readers. Almost no spelling error! You gave good detail and descriptions in the story. One last thing, I like how you paragraph the story! So ya what I like most is how you have good detail on in .3.

Has far has I love your story there might be one problem, You might want to give note excitement to the characters acts like: Ex: "Hey that my pie!" HermioneJG say while rushing to get the Delicious Pie. That the only thing so far you can work on which is give the characters acts more excitement! But other then that ,♥ it

Hey I'm not the "best writer" but those were some tips .3. Also i like Icy acts xD keep it up Ang <3
eh i was actually trying to hold the exictement (plot thingeh XD)
View reply.
 
i dunt leik exitement xD
whale i cant help basing the cpeople off meh irl XD
Don't judge, you would nevah wanna meet meh irl
trust me, I'm really sarcastic
and brutally honest XD
Now I'm not saying everyone is full of excitement but here the thing:

If your story doesn't have excitement then it will be boring .___. Not in a mean way but it's true ;-; But I will want meet you irl.. so ya take the tip :3
View reply.
 
Now I'm not saying everyone is full of excitement but here the thing:

If your story doesn't have excitement then it will be boring .___. Not in a mean way but it's true ;-; But I will want meet you irl.. so ya take the tip :3
yeh i understand
Tbh even if we did meet irl u wouldn't recognise meh XD
i dye my hair quite a bit for one thing
View reply.
 
not gonna lie, this is one of the best stories on here. but here's some constructive criticism, if you want it :P

"It’s a cold winter night. Snow swirls around us as we look down at four people running away from…something. The wind whirls through the trees as they try to escape; and small birds up above us make small tweeting noises, mocking the four small forms picking their way across a dense forest with snow dotting the ground."
it's kinda overly descriptive. Since it's winter, and snow is swirling around you, you don't have to state that there's snow dotting the ground. but, other than that, it's a really good paragraph!

"Looking back at her companions, she says “Hurry up! Do you want to get caught? I didn’t think so!” and keeps running. We think her name is Snow."
Instead of "didn't", use "don't". also, after the word "says", add a comma. it's just something that you have to do in english, I don't know why lol.

"“We’re trying!” a girl who’s left eye was green, the other red yells, her straight brown-grey hair flying in front of her face. Her name is Ice; we know that for sure."
firstly, you should use "whose", instead of "who's". "Whose" shows that it belongs to someone. For example, "Whose is this bag?" "Who's" is short for "who is", and it would be used in a question such as, "who's that?"
secondly, the first sentence is kind of weird if you say it aloud. instead of describing the girl before saying that she yelled, say that she yelled before you start to describe her. if i wrote that, i would phrase it as so: "We're trying!" a girl yelled. Her left eye was green, and the other, red. Her brown-grey hair flies in front of her face as she runs.
but hey, it's your story, you can phrase it however you want to :p

"The beast appears blurred, but it’s eyes were as red as blood, and that very same substance dripped down its wolf-like snout. It has four legs, though we can’t see what they look like, as they are the most blurred part of it."
instead of "it's", use "its". "it's" is short for "it is", so you're basically saying "it is eyes were as red as ..." i'm sorry but it's true. "its" is how you show that it belongs to a creature, like "the dog plays with its ball". also, if i were you, i'd say it like this: The beast appears unclear, but its eyes were as red as blood, the exact same substance that dripped down its wolf-like snout.
but, again, it's your story , so you can do whatever.

"The beast halts, and speeds off in the opposite direction of the four. Perfect timing. We now see a glowing cabin in the middle of a clearing. All four smiled, grateful to be alive, and they made their way towards the door. Galatic knocks."
instead of saying, "and speeds off", you should say that the beast halts, before turning and speeding off. because if you just say it speeds off in the opposite direction, you don't really say that he turns, so some people might think of a beast running backwards XD

"We hear no more, as the blonde girl with red eyes who hasn’t spoken yet looks directly at us, even though we can’t be seen. She snaps her coral-gloves fingers, and the world fades to black."
Only thing i gotta say about this paragraph, is that you said "coral gloves" instead of "coral gloved" xD although that was probably an accident.
View reply.
 
I can't tell if am the bushy hair kid or not
nonono thats hermy ur da bob kid person
not gonna lie, this is one of the best stories on here. but here's some constructive criticism, if you want it :p

"It’s a cold winter night. Snow swirls around us as we look down at four people running away from…something. The wind whirls through the trees as they try to escape; and small birds up above us make small tweeting noises, mocking the four small forms picking their way across a dense forest with snow dotting the ground."
it's kinda overly descriptive. Since it's winter, and snow is swirling around you, you don't have to state that there's snow dotting the ground. but, other than that, it's a really good paragraph!

"Looking back at her companions, she says “Hurry up! Do you want to get caught? I didn’t think so!” and keeps running. We think her name is Snow."
Instead of "didn't", use "don't". also, after the word "says", add a comma. it's just something that you have to do in english, I don't know why lol.

"“We’re trying!” a girl who’s left eye was green, the other red yells, her straight brown-grey hair flying in front of her face. Her name is Ice; we know that for sure."
firstly, you should use "whose", instead of "who's". "Whose" shows that it belongs to someone. For example, "Whose is this bag?" "Who's" is short for "who is", and it would be used in a question such as, "who's that?"
secondly, the first sentence is kind of weird if you say it aloud. instead of describing the girl before saying that she yelled, say that she yelled before you start to describe her. if i wrote that, i would phrase it as so: "We're trying!" a girl yelled. Her left eye was green, and the other, red. Her brown-grey hair flies in front of her face as she runs.
but hey, it's your story, you can phrase it however you want to :p

"The beast appears blurred, but it’s eyes were as red as blood, and that very same substance dripped down its wolf-like snout. It has four legs, though we can’t see what they look like, as they are the most blurred part of it."
instead of "it's", use "its". "it's" is short for "it is", so you're basically saying "it is eyes were as red as ..." i'm sorry but it's true. "its" is how you show that it belongs to a creature, like "the dog plays with its ball". also, if i were you, i'd say it like this: The beast appears unclear, but its eyes were as red as blood, the exact same substance that dripped down its wolf-like snout.
but, again, it's your story , so you can do whatever.

"The beast halts, and speeds off in the opposite direction of the four. Perfect timing. We now see a glowing cabin in the middle of a clearing. All four smiled, grateful to be alive, and they made their way towards the door. Galatic knocks."
instead of saying, "and speeds off", you should say that the beast halts, before turning and speeding off. because if you just say it speeds off in the opposite direction, you don't really say that he turns, so some people might think of a beast running backwards XD

"We hear no more, as the blonde girl with red eyes who hasn’t spoken yet looks directly at us, even though we can’t be seen. She snaps her coral-gloves fingers, and the world fades to black."
Only thing i gotta say about this paragraph, is that you said "coral gloves" instead of "coral gloved" xD although that was probably an accident.
Fanks Lauren!
Okay i just started laughing bc i laugh at my own errors XD
View reply.
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Total: 0, Members: 0, Guests: 0)

Back
Top