BrokenLens Forums

when i made that post about you, the one that shattered and still shatters my heart on repeat even thinking about it, like a broken record, i briefly mentioned receiving a rose. a yellow rose on Valentine’s Day. from a boy.

a boy i had seen walking down the halls, but never quite noticed. the boy who waved at me, yet never talked to me, who i never quite noticed. the boy, who whenever he talked to a different girl in grade 7, i felt this unquenchable, unusual wave of jealousy engulf me, even though i for sure didn’t like him, and for sure i never. quite. noticed.

i don’t remember telling you this, but at the end of grade seven, nearing christmas holidays, he typed up a list of “New Years resolutions” for everybody xD. for example, he’d put a name, and something they’d have to improve on (as a joke, obviously). i sat next to him while he did this. then, he got to me.

he wrote my name, stopped for a few seconds, avoiding all eye contact. and never wrote anything. because, in his opinion, i didn’t need to improve on anything. because in his eyes i was already “perfect”.

that was the snowflake that snowballed into a blizzard. whenever i’m sad, feeling empty, i think back to that moment, and how utterly amazing i felt. it sparked an indistinguishable joy that courses through me whenever i even think about it, whenever i think about him.

i realised, the boy i was supposed to fall head-over-heels for, had been hidden in plain sight all along. man, he had liked me from the START of grade seven, all until right now as i’m typing this. two and a bit years. funnily enough, literally everybody knew about his LiKe for me, yet i was completely oblivious. typical xD.

his eyes are just so piercingly dark, his smile is gorgeous and he makes me feel, special. he’s so sweet but he’s so timid to talk to me. as i am to him. OH AND SIS HIS HANDS AND DEEP VOICE IM— anyway.. xD

he hasn’t “asked me out”, yet. he told my friends he’d do it in grade 9 (BECAUSE THIS BOY GOT HIMSELF GROUNDED FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR SKSKS) which is only a few weeks away! do you think he’ll do it on valentines? xD see, you’re supposed to be making bets, navigating me through these uNkNowN territories. but you’re not. and it really does suck.

it definitely hasn’t been smooth waters, though. at one point, there was this whole miscommunication thing about him leaving the country for his dad’s work (since he isn’t Australian-born like us). i swear i cried for days straight, it was heartbreak all over again. turns out, he only went back to his country for the holidays, not permanently.

definitely not ever letting him know how i sobbed a river for multiple days and felt empty for the days after that )) pfft feelings who needs them

i know, you’d approve though. mum has and she never approves, you know that from personal experience xD. i hope you’re happy with it, i just wish you were here to give me extra guidance. you were always great at giving advice, not so much taking it yourself, though xD

it hurts not having you to turn to, when i was sobbing those continuous days, i so needed you to help me, to take my mind off of it. to get sick off fries in vanilla soft serve(icecream for the non auSSIES)? (i don’t know how your tastebuds survived). to binge Netflix in mounds of blankets with me, the aircon on high — they even have new episodes of Orange Is The New Black!! our favourite show we binged together.

it’s so weird. i feel like everyday i’m becoming more like you. if i had to write this ages ago, i wouldn’t have been using as much (disturbingly dry) humour as i am now. it feels like laughing or making others laugh is one of the ways i cope with the fact, you’re not the one here to do it anymore. it’s almost as if i’ve taken your “job”?

i guess i learnt it from you. like i learnt how to write. in the end, i will never even come as close to being “better” than you. your humour, beauty, kindness, nurturing nature, fragility, loyalty, is unattainable, even for your own blood.

2019 is going to be a new year, a new start, a new collage of memories to be made. another year without you. another year the only time i’ll ever be able to laugh, or cry, or smile, is by REMEMBERING what you said or did. remembering it. because it’s only a memory now, a memory that clouds with each year that passes. and i’m scared.

you’re only a memory. yes, you’re my sister. but to experience what it was like to be your sister, your friend, is to remember it. this is hurting. i don’t even know why. how.

i’m sorry.

thank you. thank you for teaching me, right from wrong. although i usually chose wrong anyway. thank you for being, and i mean this honestly, the best older sister anyone could ever ask for. i know i was rude at times, snobby even, but you knew, deep down, i loved you more than anything.

thank you for being positive when others weren’t towards me. thank you for being one of the only people who haven’t ever judged me, assumed terrible things about me, ect. i know that’s a sister’s job, but you did it better than anyone i ever knew.

i miss you, every damn day. it gets easier everyday, but also harder. the realisation that you aren’t there to watch me grow up, but the realisation that you not being there is becoming the new normal.