BrokenLens Forums

i don’t know why i’m writing this, i just want you to, somehow, read it. please. or it’ll be embedded into a web of digitalised codes for eternity, either way.

i’m sorry, if it seems like i’m not taking this seriously. i was too scared to even visit, thinking people would loathe me, hate me to eternity. well, if anyone is reading this, please, if you don’t have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

ha, i guess i got my overly nervous “someone hasn’t talked to me for approximately fifty eight seconds they must hate me” trait from you... and also the “trying to make light of a heavy situation with a sprinkle of most-likely-going-to-make-the-situation-worse humour”. ha.

i guess i’ll just start.

it’s been, hard. that’s all i can say. i’m not seething with anger anymore. some days i just feel emptier than usual. having days off of school, which turn into weeks, which turn into bratty teenagers thinking i’m making up excuses just not to come to school, is hard. they don’t know what it’s like. and if they do, they take it out on me with their anger.

me, i’m different, pix. ever since... i’ve been, less angry. i’ve been more outright with how i feel, and trust me, high school has made me feel a LOT.

although there’s been many, many, MANY tense moments between mom and i, breakdowns, fights, it’s discreetly surfaced from the agonising lack of you. which then, brings us back together. even though we were never quite apart in the first place.

apart from that, i’ve had to face high school, life, things you’re supposed to teach me, basically alone. i haven’t made it go to waste though.

i got a total of five a’s on my report card, and that’s only the end of grade eight. i know, i was shocked too. this lead to me receiving a GOLD MEDAL for HIGHEST ENGLISH AWARD OUT OF GRADE 8 and multiple silver badges and certificates. i’m happy, i’m surprisingly proud of myself. i wish i could show you them. i hope you’re proud of me.

i sound like i’m boasting, but i just wanted to write it, because that has been one of the things that has made me feel happy in a long time .

you, you will always be the best at writing, at english. you always were. when we were younger, and we’d have a whole day at an amusement park, ect. i’d be rushing towards the action, whereas you’d be taking down notes (which i thought were silly at the time) and constantly brainstorming, using the world around you as inspiration.

i wish you were there though, to see me stumble up the stage, awkwardly shake the principal’s hand and snatch the award from him xD. you would have laughed and mocked me forever about it. but deep down, i know you would have been proud. because that’s just who you were.

speaking of awkwardness, i now understand why you never really felt, accepted? in school. i’ll be in grade 9 for 2019. and i have to say, friendships have gone quicker than they have come. people have turned on me, but i admit, i have also, selfishly, discarded some of them. i don’t know why. i just don’t want to get attached.

but becoming attached is inevitable. boys boys boysss xD, but, not plural. ew, i know right? i mean you always teased me for the tiny, insignificant “crushes” i had on random people, for random reasons. but this one, has and is hitting me in the face with a vortex of emotions i? have? never? felt? before?