Our World Begins to Fall - Chapter 2

FABULOUS STORY Write MORE



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Fheonix said:
FABULOUS STORY Write MORE



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Thanks ^_^


By the way, is that spoiler meant to be your signature? You know, there's a way to put it into your signature without having to copy it into every post you make. Click on your avatar in the top corner I found the screen and select Signature from the little menu.
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HermioneJG said:
Notch only knows how long and far I ran before collapsing. Hunger, fatigue, and terror all threw themselves at me with full force as I lay on the ground, whimpering like a small animal.
This was it. I was dead. If not from pushing myself to my limits, then from another monster coming to get this easy, vulnerable prey.
I didn't sleep, exactly, but lay there, hardly conscious. I didn't even see what the land around me looked like, from the tunnel vision I'd gotten when running, and I couldn't even keep my eyes open now. It took too much energy. I could hardly feel the ground beneath me either; the only sensation was the ache of running. It blocked all other feelings as I lay on the ground, all other thought as I'd run.
Run, run, run. Don't let them get you.
I was like the gingerbread man. Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man. I laughed softly. It made my chest hurt. Should I have been laughing when I felt like I'd already died, yet was somehow still clinging to consciousness?
The taste of vomit rose in my mouth. I managed to keep it down, but suddenly became all too aware of how dry my throat was. Every breath felt like knives were poking at my throat from the inside.
Maybe it would be dehydration that killed me, then.
It could have been minutes or hours or days that I lay there. It didn't make a difference. I would die no matter what. I didn't know how I felt about that. I just needed an end to the pain...
Something nudged my shoulder. I felt it, but didn't really feel it. It was like my nerves weren't connected to my brain properly. There was a noise, oddly dampened and muffled. I was aware of something passing close to my face, and the muted sound came again. It sounded like words. She's breathing.
The monsters were talking now. It didn't matter. I just wished it would hurry up.
Sit up. The voice sounded distant. Can you sit up? I'll help you, here. Then there was something under my back and I was being hauled into a sitting position. Water. She needs water. The hand pulled away from my back, and by some miracle I managed to stay up.
"Notch, are you okay?" The voice was much clearer now. It was a girl's voice.
I'm not Notch, I wanted to say. It was too difficult.
I cracked open my eyes. The sunlight seemed far too bright after having them closed for... how long had it been? The sun was dipping towards the horizon now.
I had certainly gone far. I was no longer surrounded by the vibrant shades of green I was familiar with from the jungle near the village; instead, the plants here had a dead, brownish look to them. The trees had grey trunks, and they were low, with their branches spreading out far but flat, a bit like umbrella. Acacia trees. It seemed like the earth couldn't decide whether to be flat or hilly; it was almost perfectly flat where I sat, yet to the left of us it rose up in a steep, almost vertical mountain and I could see more of these peaks jutting out of the ground in the distance. The air was incredibly dry, not humid like what I was used to, but it was still very hot.
There were two girls in front of me,. I suddenly felt like a child, with the way they were worrying over me. That didn't mean I was ungrateful, though. I focused on the closer girl first, the one who had just helped me up.
She was wearing all white. As she leaned forward a bit, her long, wavy light-blonde hair, with streaks of pale orange-red, fell over her shoulders and in front of her eyes, which seemed to have a slight reddish tint.
The other girl, standing behind her, could have been her sister. Her hair was blonde as well, although it was darker, more of a golden-blonde, and a bit curlier, and she too had that strange reddish tint to her eyes. Her clothes were in varying shades of red and orange, and she had on fingerless gloves, perhaps to help with her sword grip.
"Here, you look... thirsty," said the second girl, holding out a bottle of water. I took it and oh, Notch was it wonderful to have water. I felt like I hadn't had anything to drink for years and years and suddenly this was offered to me.
"Thank you," I said hoarsely.
"What happened to you?" asked the girl kneeling down. "You... we just found you lying here... why?"
"Because I'm a coward," I whispered, not loudly enough for them to hear. I tried to get up. It was a struggle. The girl in white helped me up and the two of them helped to support me when I was up.
"I think I can stand by myself," I said. "Thanks."
They let go of me. Luckily, I didn't fall, but it put a lot of strain on my legs. My knees ached in protest. Notch, it was hot. My cloak probably wasn't helping, I realised, and got it off.
"Come on," said the girl in red and orange. "We should get out of the open."
"There were... zombies. And skeletons. During the day," I told them.
The two girls shared a look. "And worse," said the one in white. "Now let's go." They started off, obviously trying to go slowly for me. I walked as fast as I could without collapsing again.
The sun was setting, and I didn't want to be out at night to see worse.

-----

Yes, I ran all the way from a jungle to a savannah, thanks to bad writing, superhuman stamina that I lack in reality (obviously), and Minecraft logic being applied arbitrarily. Let's just pretend it made sense. Also, no, the red eyes aren't plot relevant, they're normal people. That's just what Ang's and Strelitzia's skins look like (yeah, I know they weren't even named in this chapter ._.). There was just so much wrong with this chapter though...
Remember, I'd be glad to get constructive criticism, just as long as it's proper concrit - don't just tell me that it's bad, tell me how to make it better.
If you haven't read Chapter 1, that's right here > https://brokenlens.xyz/forums/threads/our-world-begins-to-fall-chapter-1.24551/
People in this chapter > @angsk8 @Strelitzia (sorry you guys haven't been named yet :p next chapter)
People who asked for an alert > @cheesyunicorn @XThomasXPlayzX
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XThomasXPlayzX said:
Damn you're good at stories. Cant wait until part III
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MIND BLOWN! You should make a book or be an Author itself...
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Zoilos said:
MIND BLOWN! You should make a book or be an Author itself...
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Heh, thanks :)
But I don't think I'd be a great author for real. My story might be well written by fanfiction standards, but it takes a lot more to write a real book and get it published.
Still, I'm glad you like it so much ^_^
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HermioneJG said:
Notch only knows how long and far I ran before collapsing. Hunger, fatigue, and terror all threw themselves at me with full force as I lay on the ground, whimpering like a small animal.
This was it. I was dead. If not from pushing myself to my limits, then from another monster coming to get this easy, vulnerable prey.
I didn't sleep, exactly, but lay there, hardly conscious. I didn't even see what the land around me looked like, from the tunnel vision I'd gotten when running, and I couldn't even keep my eyes open now. It took too much energy. I could hardly feel the ground beneath me either; the only sensation was the ache of running. It blocked all other feelings as I lay on the ground, all other thought as I'd run.
Run, run, run. Don't let them get you.
I was like the gingerbread man. Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man. I laughed softly. It made my chest hurt. Should I have been laughing when I felt like I'd already died, yet was somehow still clinging to consciousness?
The taste of vomit rose in my mouth. I managed to keep it down, but suddenly became all too aware of how dry my throat was. Every breath felt like knives were poking at my throat from the inside.
Maybe it would be dehydration that killed me, then.
It could have been minutes or hours or days that I lay there. It didn't make a difference. I would die no matter what. I didn't know how I felt about that. I just needed an end to the pain...
Something nudged my shoulder. I felt it, but didn't really feel it. It was like my nerves weren't connected to my brain properly. There was a noise, oddly dampened and muffled. I was aware of something passing close to my face, and the muted sound came again. It sounded like words. She's breathing.
The monsters were talking now. It didn't matter. I just wished it would hurry up.
Sit up. The voice sounded distant. Can you sit up? I'll help you, here. Then there was something under my back and I was being hauled into a sitting position. Water. She needs water. The hand pulled away from my back, and by some miracle I managed to stay up.
"Notch, are you okay?" The voice was much clearer now. It was a girl's voice.
I'm not Notch, I wanted to say. It was too difficult.
I cracked open my eyes. The sunlight seemed far too bright after having them closed for... how long had it been? The sun was dipping towards the horizon now.
I had certainly gone far. I was no longer surrounded by the vibrant shades of green I was familiar with from the jungle near the village; instead, the plants here had a dead, brownish look to them. The trees had grey trunks, and they were low, with their branches spreading out far but flat, a bit like umbrella. Acacia trees. It seemed like the earth couldn't decide whether to be flat or hilly; it was almost perfectly flat where I sat, yet to the left of us it rose up in a steep, almost vertical mountain and I could see more of these peaks jutting out of the ground in the distance. The air was incredibly dry, not humid like what I was used to, but it was still very hot.
There were two girls in front of me,. I suddenly felt like a child, with the way they were worrying over me. That didn't mean I was ungrateful, though. I focused on the closer girl first, the one who had just helped me up.
She was wearing all white. As she leaned forward a bit, her long, wavy light-blonde hair, with streaks of pale orange-red, fell over her shoulders and in front of her eyes, which seemed to have a slight reddish tint.
The other girl, standing behind her, could have been her sister. Her hair was blonde as well, although it was darker, more of a golden-blonde, and a bit curlier, and she too had that strange reddish tint to her eyes. Her clothes were in varying shades of red and orange, and she had on fingerless gloves, perhaps to help with her sword grip.
"Here, you look... thirsty," said the second girl, holding out a bottle of water. I took it and oh, Notch was it wonderful to have water. I felt like I hadn't had anything to drink for years and years and suddenly this was offered to me.
"Thank you," I said hoarsely.
"What happened to you?" asked the girl kneeling down. "You... we just found you lying here... why?"
"Because I'm a coward," I whispered, not loudly enough for them to hear. I tried to get up. It was a struggle. The girl in white helped me up and the two of them helped to support me when I was up.
"I think I can stand by myself," I said. "Thanks."
They let go of me. Luckily, I didn't fall, but it put a lot of strain on my legs. My knees ached in protest. Notch, it was hot. My cloak probably wasn't helping, I realised, and got it off.
"Come on," said the girl in red and orange. "We should get out of the open."
"There were... zombies. And skeletons. During the day," I told them.
The two girls shared a look. "And worse," said the one in white. "Now let's go." They started off, obviously trying to go slowly for me. I walked as fast as I could without collapsing again.
The sun was setting, and I didn't want to be out at night to see worse.

-----

Yes, I ran all the way from a jungle to a savannah, thanks to bad writing, superhuman stamina that I lack in reality (obviously), and Minecraft logic being applied arbitrarily. Let's just pretend it made sense. Also, no, the red eyes aren't plot relevant, they're normal people. That's just what Ang's and Strelitzia's skins look like (yeah, I know they weren't even named in this chapter ._.). There was just so much wrong with this chapter though...
Remember, I'd be glad to get constructive criticism, just as long as it's proper concrit - don't just tell me that it's bad, tell me how to make it better.
If you haven't read Chapter 1, that's right here > https://brokenlens.xyz/forums/threads/our-world-begins-to-fall-chapter-1.24551/
People in this chapter > @angsk8 @Strelitzia (sorry you guys haven't been named yet :p next chapter)
People who asked for an alert > @cheesyunicorn @XThomasXPlayzX
Click to expand...
I do have some constructive criticism - try to make the story seem more realistic, so basically don't run through a whole two biomes at once again xD

But other than that, great story!! ^o^
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FloatingOnAir__06 said:
I do have some constructive criticism - try to make the story seem more realistic, so basically don't run through a whole two biomes at once again xD

But other than that, great story!! ^o^
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Heh, yeah, I did criticise myself for that one at the end. I honestly have no idea why I did it that way XD And after this it's mega taiga, but they make more sense after that, going to extreme hills, stone beach, roofed forest, swamp, and finally plains. The story goes through them pretty quickly, spending hardly two chapters in one, but at least it's not a stretch to imagine them connected.
I'm actually glad there's someone saying something wrong with it, the rest is nice to hear but it kinda sounds fake sometimes.
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HermioneJG said:
Heh, yeah, I did criticise myself for that one at the end. I honestly have no idea why I did it that way XD And after this it's mega taiga, but they make more sense after that, going to extreme hills, stone beach, roofed forest, swamp, and finally plains.
I'm actually glad there's someone saying something wrong with it, the rest is nice to hear but it kinda sounds fake sometimes.
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Thats what you think. Most isn't actually fake. People just enjoy the stories on forums like me.
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XThomasXPlayzX said:
Thats what you think. Most isn't actually fake. People just enjoy the stories on forums like me.
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I didn't say it is fake, and I really hope it isn't, but when everybody's praising (praising is exaggerating, but you know what I mean) my writing I start to think, 'Okay, it can't be that amazing. Someone here doesn't like it as much as they're saying.'
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HermioneJG said:
I didn't say it is fake, and I really hope it isn't, but when everybody's praising (praising is exaggerating, but you know what I mean) my writing I start to think, 'Okay, it can't be that amazing. Someone here doesn't like it as much as they're saying.'
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"The rest of it is nice to hear, but it sounds kinda fake." Believe in yourself and accept these comments
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And I just realised this last little bit of conversation sort of looks a bit like I'm fishing for compliments ._.
"Oh, gosh, I'm just so bad at everything, I know you guys are lying about this, wah wah, now tell me I'm great so I feel better about myself."
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HermioneJG said:
And I just realised this last little bit of conversation sort of looks a bit like I'm fishing for compliments ._.
"Oh, gosh, I'm just so bad at everything, I know you guys are lying about this, wah wah, now tell me I'm great so I feel better about myself."
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No ur not... chill out. You are fine.
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