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so i revert back into another state of mind that life has warped for me and i will stay there until another moment in time changes things up again

and it's in action now. all those interactions have led me to typing this out but now i feel guilty because i am selfish and i overshared and i am ungrateful for stating that this is who i am

and it's not fair because i will never be able to be an actual human being or develop a stable personality because i'm different in the worst ways

and it's not fair because this is the way i live my life, this is the way i always will live my life and people don't realise that a stupid sequence of likes can affect how i act for the next few years of my life

every interaction with any of you molds me and contributes to the way i let others see me. and it's that sensitivity that develops an actual personality for myself because i just don't have one

because i'm sensitive okay? i'm more sensitive than should be, i remember every non-positive interaction that has ever happened and they replay in my brain over and over like a routine

or people get too concerned and so i tell them that i'm doing amazingly and just had a little setback because nobody could understand how my mind works or what thoughts are in my head so it's easier to just shut up and keep to myself

so i go back to my usual ways and i say that i'm sick of living but then people either ignore me and i think oh no maybe that was too depressing? maybe i overshared again oh gosh i did didn't i

-was that too fake? maybe those weren't my real emotions? maybe i was being too cringey and people are sick of the happy vibes? maybe being constantly kind is too much for some people

so i think that maybe i shouldn't have posted that status, maybe it was oversharing? so i decide to be happy and positive but then comes the picking and choosing and i'm confused again

i get so close to just being myself but every single action just inflicts some form of harm on me. every time you pick and choose what you like in such a drastic way just hurts and it has. an. IMPACT.

and i go back to being this super kind and loving kendra which only comes out around certain people because that's the person that people want to see and that's the person that people want to know

i express how i genuinely feel but i know that nobody likes that me because i'm moody and not fun to be around. they don't want to put up with the real me so i don't show it

especially if i literally did nothing wrong. like i understand i can be crazy on here and i don't want you to like my statuses if you genuinely don't like them or if you don't understand them or you know nothing about the topic but like.. who do you want me to be?

omg yesss those sound so cool!! i'd love to try them one day as well xD

yeah that makes complete sense!! like replacing a fear with a positive experience and realising that heights aren't as scary as you may have thought xD :)

seriously the manics are the only good thing to ever exist in this world and i forever live by that