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this all might change one day in the future, after all i'm not truly attracted to gender but instead the person. i might discover in 30 years or 2 weeks that i'm actually bi, or pan, or ace - or some new sort of crazy sexuality that's just been named.

i'm sorry i spent so much of my life in the closet and i wish i didn't. but there is still time for you!! don't live a lie because of the people around you. just shamelessly be you, because you should never feel bad for living your truth.

but it's okay!! i won't try to convince them otherwise because that's not the way it's supposed to go. i know that if people truly love and care for me, then they'd accept me for who i am and just let me be me.

i mean, there are still people in my life who wouldn't approve of my "coming out" i guess, and that makes me a little bit sad, understandably.

i'm still not entirely comfortable in my sexuality. like if someone approached me and brought up my sexuality then i would probably get really awkward, but yeah i'm at a point in my life where i don't want to live a lie anymore.

i know that you don't need to label yourself, but i'm someone who just has to label myself because it gives me a sense of identity and keeps me grounded.

i find that queer works best for me because it just means "not straight" and i find that comforting in a way.

the word "gay" has been used against me so many times before and i've heard it used in such negative ways so i just don't feel quite right using it anyway. i also don't identify as a bisexual, because once again, it has been used so negatively so i just can't bring myself to.

i don't know if calling myself gay is offensive to people who are completely and utterly gay, but gay can be used as an umbrella term. i might be sorta attracted to guys (i actually think i might be asexual towards them) so yeah.

sometimes i've hinted at it or said things that might be "a bit gay" but i have never quite brought myself to say it out loud. i have never been 100% to do this but i think i am now.

and not only that, but it's like having to accept it myself. this is a part of me that i've just tried to bury so deep in hopes that it would go away. and now i've chosen to put it out there.

i don't mean any offence and i know that most people on here are accepting.. but i have had people cut me off before over this and have lived in fear because i hate the way i am. and i don't want anyone else to hate me either. it's the same with most things surrounding the entirety of me...

writing all this is so scary because i'm worrying about what other people might think about me. i don't want anybody to see me in a different way or think that i'm a freak.

i'm sorry that this is all so confusing because i haven't quite figured it out myself. i don't know how long it will take until i am certain or if i ever will be.

when ppl ask me about my sexuality i'm like "yeah i'm gay lol" because i know that if i have a future then i'm going to end up with a girl.

when i think about crushing on a guy it's just.. not all there? i don't know if that makes sense. it's like i'm not really attracted to them it's just kinda like.. in awe? like i think they're just... idk. pretty? which is why i think i can only go so far as being attracted to someone...

i've joined in on the "ooh, he's fit!" comments and stuff, but it just makes me feel so empty because it's something that i want to feel so badly and commenting on an "attractive" guy's appearance is just a constant reminder that i'm not, and never will be, straight.

but like i know i'll just never.. act upon having a crush on them? i could just never see myself dating a guy. maybe because i'm not very feminine idk. it's like most teen girls just think "tom holland/harry styles/timothee chalamet is so hot right?" and i'm just there like.. "okay?? but like...

i have told people i had celebrity crushes on guys and stuff when i thought i did but i.. didn't. i would regret it the second the sentence left my mouth. okay yes, i have had crushes on males before. heck, if you ask me who my celebrity crush is then chances are that i might reply with "awsten...

i have (sort of??) had crushes on guys before?? it just feels like something is not right, i think i've realised i'm not attracted to.. the male physique?? but i'm attracted to PEOPLE emotionally and that's why gender doesn't play a part in who i'm attracted to.