BrokenLens Forums

it's that time of year again, isn't it? today is your eighteenth birthday. eighteen. you would be an adult.. how crazy is that to think about, huh? think of all the things you could be doing. all of the memories we so badly deserved to make together.

maybe you would be rambling about driving lessons, graduating high school, becoming a nurse, passing exams, getting a boyfriend, getting a new pet.

i wish you could tell me all of yours and phoenix's crazy stories, i wish we could talk and talk for hours about childhood shows, i wish we could argue about which chocolate is the best.

i wonder what we'd be like now. it crosses my mind more often than you may think. but i'll never know, will i? it will forever be a fragment of my imagination, one of my unattainable dreams.

i mean.. who would i be now, if you were still here? who would you be now? who would WE be? i wish i could at least form some hopeless idea or get a glimpse of an alternate universe where you were still around. but that's just not to be and it's taking a great deal to accept that.

life is unforgiving; it's taking so much out of me to come to terms with the fact that you were fated to be a part of my past. but i'm set on making you an everlasting part of my future too; i will carry all that you were with me until my very last days. every memory we created is ingrained into my life forever, and they will continue to impact and shape me for decades to come.

there is so much that i feel like i need to say to you, so many emotions that i need to pour into words, i just don't know how to articulate them. i wouldn't consider myself an eloquent person at all, but you were.

gosh, pixie, you had so much talent. so, so, so much. i hope you know that it didn't go to waste. understand that it was unfair, it was tragic, it was despicable - you deserved a long, fulfilling life. you deserved everything the world could never give to you.

you deserved to go off and study to become a nurse (if that's what you ended up deciding to do), you deserved to go through all of life's trials and experience everything this world has to offer. it should never have been like this.

i just want you to know, i NEED you to know, that you didn't die for nothing. the impact you had in your short fifteen years here is in ineffaceable; your legacy will live for as long as this forums and longer, i promise you that. i promise i won't let your memory die. i promise you. none of us will.

i hope you know how much i love you, how much you shaped me and everybody who knew you. pixie... i love you. i know i should said it more often to you and made sure that you understood every word, i should have made sure you knew it in your seemingly endless, compassionate, beautiful heart.

but i hope you saw it in between the "queen of chu"s and the "PIXIE POOOOOOO"s, i hope you were able to spot who you were in my eyes through the "I LOVE CHU"s, and all the hours we poured into creating a beautiful friendship which i now have to treasure for the rest of my life. i wish you were here to reminisce on it too. but you always will be with me, i know it.

thank you for looking after me, thank you for befriending me and sticking by me through all of life's hardships. thank you for giving and giving and giving and never once expecting anything back. thank you for sharing yourself with us all here, i truly hope everybody who ever spoke to you knows just how lucky they are.

i wish so deeply that i could give you a huge huggle right now and tell you all of this to your face. i'm sorry for how things had to be, i'm still at a loss for words on how it's been so long. i hope you would still love me all the same.