BrokenLens Forums

i express how i genuinely feel but i know that nobody likes that me because i'm moody and not fun to be around. they don't want to put up with the real me so i don't show it

and i go back to being this super kind and loving kendra which only comes out around certain people because that's the person that people want to see and that's the person that people want to know

i get so close to just being myself but every single action just inflicts some form of harm on me. every time you pick and choose what you like in such a drastic way just hurts and it has. an. IMPACT.

so i think that maybe i shouldn't have posted that status, maybe it was oversharing? so i decide to be happy and positive but then comes the picking and choosing and i'm confused again

-was that too fake? maybe those weren't my real emotions? maybe i was being too cringey and people are sick of the happy vibes? maybe being constantly kind is too much for some people

so i go back to my usual ways and i say that i'm sick of living but then people either ignore me and i think oh no maybe that was too depressing? maybe i overshared again oh gosh i did didn't i

or people get too concerned and so i tell them that i'm doing amazingly and just had a little setback because nobody could understand how my mind works or what thoughts are in my head so it's easier to just shut up and keep to myself

because i'm sensitive okay? i'm more sensitive than should be, i remember every non-positive interaction that has ever happened and they replay in my brain over and over like a routine

every interaction with any of you molds me and contributes to the way i let others see me. and it's that sensitivity that develops an actual personality for myself because i just don't have one

and it's not fair because this is the way i live my life, this is the way i always will live my life and people don't realise that a stupid sequence of likes can affect how i act for the next few years of my life

and it's not fair because i will never be able to be an actual human being or develop a stable personality because i'm different in the worst ways

and it's in action now. all those interactions have led me to typing this out but now i feel guilty because i am selfish and i overshared and i am ungrateful for stating that this is who i am

so i revert back into another state of mind that life has warped for me and i will stay there until another moment in time changes things up again

sorry for being like this. it's fatal, honestly.

i need people's approval to shape who i am. i really look up to everyone and a stupid like just means that what i said might be approved by you or that you like it. and if you don't like it that means it's not good enough-

-that i'm not good enough. it's a flaw that i look up to so many people honestly. because they just don't understand the power they hold when they're an inspirational figure to people

and i can't help but to look through a lens that shows that they're taking advantage of that status. unknowingly of course, but taking advantage nonetheless.

and so i'm afraid that people won't ever be able to know the real me because it's ever changing because of this. i'm afraid that there will never be a real me because right now i don't feel like a human-

i just feel like some sort of... figure. almost like i'm not here. nobody else is sensitive to this level and therefore nobody else will ever feel things in this way that i do

therefore even my greatest achievement in life won't have as much as an effect on somebody as every brief interaction has on me