BrokenLens Forums

idk anyways hi i'm kendraaaa and i really don't think that anyone cares about this or even about me (rip i'm a true dead member) but i have a lot on my chest that i need to just... put out there or discuss with someone idk..

i just can't keep it all to myself because i feel like it might just eat me alive. anyways this is a lot and it's extremely confusing so it's okay if you don't read it or get through it

it's rlly just taken a lot for me to put this out here and to accept myself. it's just.. idk i've never been okay with this and i probably never will be but that's okay.

anyways like... sexuality and stuff. i've always been attracted to girls and when i was a kid i just hated myself because i thought i was the only one who felt that way. i used to cry myself to sleep at night and just hope that i could be normal like everybody else.

it wasn't until i was a little older that i realised i wasn't the only one. but it shattered my heart when i realise that i was right as a kid, it was seen as a bad thing to be gay.

sexuality is veeeeery confusing and also something i've struggled with my entire life. it's never left me and i've just always tried to push it to the back of my mind because i didn't want to deal with it, i didn't want to think about it for fear that it would become all too real. if i even did so much as utter a word about it, then that would just validate it's existence. i couldn't bare that.

i have (sort of??) had crushes on guys before?? it just feels like something is not right, i think i've realised i'm not attracted to.. the male physique?? but i'm attracted to PEOPLE emotionally and that's why gender doesn't play a part in who i'm attracted to.

i have told people i had celebrity crushes on guys and stuff when i thought i did but i.. didn't. i would regret it the second the sentence left my mouth. okay yes, i have had crushes on males before. heck, if you ask me who my celebrity crush is then chances are that i might reply with "awsten knight" or idk "elijah hewson" (LMBO SARA I SEE YOU READING THIS)

but like i know i'll just never.. act upon having a crush on them? i could just never see myself dating a guy. maybe because i'm not very feminine idk.
it's like most teen girls just think "tom holland/harry styles/timothee chalamet is so hot right?" and i'm just there like.. "okay?? but like have you seen hayley kiyoko/ruby rose/katie mcgrath??"

i've joined in on the "ooh, he's fit!" comments and stuff, but it just makes me feel so empty because it's something that i want to feel so badly and commenting on an "attractive" guy's appearance is just a constant reminder that i'm not, and never will be, straight.

when i think about crushing on a guy it's just.. not all there? i don't know if that makes sense. it's like i'm not really attracted to them it's just kinda like.. in awe? like i think they're just... idk. pretty? which is why i think i can only go so far as being attracted to someone emotionally. idk if you can date someone like that lol.

when ppl ask me about my sexuality i'm like "yeah i'm gay lol" because i know that if i have a future then i'm going to end up with a girl.

i'm sorry that this is all so confusing because i haven't quite figured it out myself. i don't know how long it will take until i am certain or if i ever will be.

writing all this is so scary because i'm worrying about what other people might think about me. i don't want anybody to see me in a different way or think that i'm a freak.

i don't mean any offence and i know that most people on here are accepting.. but i have had people cut me off before over this and have lived in fear because i hate the way i am. and i don't want anyone else to hate me either. it's the same with most things surrounding the entirety of me, y'know? i just... don't want anyone to see me in the way i see myself.

and not only that, but it's like having to accept it myself. this is a part of me that i've just tried to bury so deep in hopes that it would go away. and now i've chosen to put it out there.

sometimes i've hinted at it or said things that might be "a bit gay" but i have never quite brought myself to say it out loud. i have never been 100% to do this but i think i am now.