BrokenLens Forums

I wanted to include more in my profile picture, but the file was too large. I actually made it myself. I was going to put pink roses in it too. Do you know why? Because pink roses are associatated with words like gracefulness, joy, sweetness, admiration and kindness. Words that I associate with Pixie. And of course, if you know Pixie, she loves the colour pink.

She was an incredible person, to say the least. She made everybody's day better. When she talked about certain things, you could tell how passioniate she was about them. She loved animals, she loved helping people, she loved putting a smile on people's faces. She always put one on mine.

And I don't want to admit it, but sometimes I didn't want to talk to her. I felt it was pointless, speaking in all capital letters and just saying "HELLOOO", "HOW ARE CHUU", "IM BOREDDD" etc. But now, I'd give anything just to be able to see her reply to our conversation, I'd give anything to have her call me "baby chu", I'd give anything just to be able to say "goodbye" or "I love you".

She wasn't always happy, though. She often talked to me about her problems. I did the same. She told me a lot of things, and I did too. I told her my secrets, my fears, everything.

Do you know what the last thing we talked about was? Chocolate. Dark chocolate, specifically. I know it seems dramatic, but I won't be able to eat it without thinking of her. "AND YEAH I DO LIKE DARK CHOCOLATE XD I PREFER MILK THOUGH XD" I said.

A pointless message, that she didn't even see, or get the chance to reply to. When I wrote it, never in a million years would I have thought it would be the last time I would get to talk to her. I just replyed and carried on with my day, thinking I would get a reply later, at night, when she was awake.

Never in a million years would I have thought that she would have gotten taken away, because she definetely did not deserve it. Pixie was a girl full of happiness, joy and dreams. Never in a million years would I have thought that she wasn't going to accomplish those dreams. I truly believed she was going to become a nurse.

She deserved to. She deserved to save lives, be the reason for somebody's happiness. She was the reason for mine. No, scratch that. She IS the reason for my happiness.

She told me to smile, because I deserve to be happy, she told me to accomplish my dreams because I deserve to be who I want to be. She told me to never put myself down, she told me it doesn't matter how much I weigh, or how many spots are on my forehead. She made me feel worth it, worthy of life. Worthy of HER.

Because she was an angel, she still is. I know she would be smiling right now. She always denied it when I called her beautiful. When I said she was kind, generous. I just wanted her to know how much she meant to me. How much she means to me.

And never in a million years would I have thought I would have to write this message. And, god, I just wish I could have the chance to say these things to her while she was still here. I don't know if I'll ever get over this. Maybe, some day, I'll move forward. But right now, I just can't.

I didn't even get to say goodbye. Just a simple goodbye. And although we said so many "I love chuuu"s, we weren't really taking in the fact that we both really meant it. We just said it. I really, really hope that she knows how much she means to me. How much I love her.

I would do anything to have her back. I'm trying to accept the fact that she's gone, but how can I? When I first found out, I was in denial. But now it's settling in. She's really gone. And over the last couple of months, I've cried. A lot. I've cried so hard that I couldn't freaking breath. I was suffocating in my own tears. Even now, I have a lump in my throat.

And Pixie's passing has taught me a lot. I just can't believe she had to go for me to learn this, but I will never, ever take anything for granted again. Because I took her for granted. And how I wish I didn't.

I thought she would be there when I woke up, when I logged back into my forums account, when I clicked on our conversation.

At first, I thought maybe she was just busy. Maybe at a sleepover, having fun, chatting with her friends. I thought maybe she was just enjoying life, and so I didn't think much of it. I couldn't deny that I was a TINY bit worried. It was out of the ordinary for her to not reply as immediately as she could.

But then I saw that Phoenix hadn't come on either. I thought maybe they didn't have any Wifi. Once again, I didn't think too much of it, but I did get a little more worried. This went on for days. Weeks. Two MONTHS. I was starting to fear that maybe one of them had had an accident or something, broken a leg maybe. Oh, how I was wrong.

I wish I cherished those moments with Pixie, I wish I had appreciated her more. I just never thought that she would have been taken away. And now that she's gone, I don't want to believe it. But I know I have to, if I want to move forward. I will comment on this status if I have anything else to say. But for now, goodbye.

The memories of you, will always make me smile, I just want you back, only for a little while. Your passing was a shock, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before I knew it, and I just have no idea why.